The world would be a better place if i was dead and buried

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Picking up our cross and denying ourselves daily is the pathway to holistic and abundant living in perfect union with God. And why would anyone not what that? Can you imagine what the world would look like if every person would pick up his or her cross, deny his or her self, and follow the selfless and other-centered way of Jesus? Can you fathom a world in which we give up all of the gimmicks, fads, and self-help schemes and simply picked up our cross daily and denied ourselves?

Can you envision a world where entire communities are redeemed and look to the interest of everyone else in grace, humility, mercy, and love… by simply deciding to pick up our cross and deny ourselves daily? Can you comprehend a world in which real power is demonstrated by sacrificing ourselves in grace, humility, mercy, and love for the sake of others by picking up our cross and denying ourselves daily?

The cross is the power of God to put to death and then bring to life- first in Christ and then in us. To put to death curses and bring to life blessings. To put to death impatience and bring to life patience. To put to death indulgence and bring to life self-control. To put to death hostility and bring to life compassion. To put to death blame and bring to life mercy. To put to death neglect and bring to life care.

To put to death excuses and bring to life honesty. To put to death busyness and bring to life balance. To put to death pride and bring to life selflessness. To put to death hard-heartedness and bring to life kindness. To put to death negativity and bring to life positivity.

To put to death resentment and bring to life forgiveness. To put to death division and bring to life unity. To put to death labeling and stereotyping and bring to life seeing the beauty in every person. To put to death complaining and bring to life praising. To put to death entitlement and bring to life contentment. To put to death brokenness and bring to life wholeness. To put to death bitterness and bring to life joy. To put to death war and bring to life peace.

To put to death hatred and bring to life love. To put to death defeat and bring to life victory. To put to death my kingdom and bring to life the Kingdom of God. That is why the world would be a better place if each of us would pick up our crosses and die. There is so much of me… so much of us… that needs to die. And so much more that God wants to bring to life in each of us.

Yet, my house is frequently filled with smoke. I cannot breathe, and the desperation creeps in while I fight to just keep breathing. I have frequently felt that everyone in my life, even those who love me most, would just be happier if I left them. Recently, I connected with someone in my department at work. I just started this job a couple of months ago, and this woman has looked withdrawn and almost avoidant of me for a long time.

I sent her an email wondering if there was something I had done to cause this response. She wrote back that her daughter recently died by suicide. The baby picture attached looked almost indistinguishable from my own baby pictures. The picture of her adult daughter bears a remarkable similarity to myself. Her birthday is a mere 11 days before mine. I sat there for a time, overwhelmed with the notion this could have been my mother. With a few variables changed, my mother could have been the one grieving this week.

She very nearly was the one grieving her lost child. In order for this young person to have died by suicide, she must have believed she would not be missed, as almost everyone with suicidal ideation does. She must have thought she was disposable. Her house would have been filled with smoke, and she would not have seen her loved ones hoping she would get out.

But her mother grieves. The family she has left behind has a hole in it. She has even left an imprint on me, and I never met her. She lived. She was important. She is missed and her family grieves for her. If suicidality leads to the belief we will not be missed, yet each person who dies by suicide is mourned intensely, then that belief has to be false.

Suicide loss survivors constantly talk about the grief , about wishing something more could have saved their loved one. It would seem no one who truly loves the person who dies by suicide is better, happier, without that person in their lives. They look to see if I have posted on social media, just to know I am alive.

I may believe they would be relieved to have me gone, but they are calling to me through the smoke that they just want me to be OK.

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